buffy the riley slayer
by jamiearn
Summary: this is my parody of all things buffy related including riley and tara.
1. its all me, me, me, me, me

Basically this is me letting of my Riley and Tara hating steam

Basically this is me letting of my Riley and Tara hating steam. Believe me I love Anya as much as my own family but some of the things she says are a bit well used. I will also have a dig at everything from "post gift fics" to the WB so enjoy if you understand it.

In a dark graveyard. 

Buffy and Riley are patrolling.

Buffy: look Riley I really want to say this in the nicest possible way but I don't want you to go patrolling with me any more.

Riley (angrily): what how dare you say that! You can't say that its season five and Joss and the writers need me to provide the Angel substitute.

Buffy (firmly): no I can't allow you to come along now you've had the chip removed you're just a normal weakling human.

Riley: I am not! Do you think you can take me!

Buffy (sarcastically): I'm the slayer. You may think your special but your not.

Riley: iv had it I'm off to a cave to punch the wall until I bleed, then after iv slagged off Angel for being a vampire I will get sexually aroused by one sucking my arm.

With that Riley stomps off into the dark. Just as spike comes along.

Spike: oh look its Buffy, even thou I have sexual urges for you killed many a human and even plotted your death with harmony you haven't staked me yet.

Buffy: well we need big audience figures in England and with the only other English character being a forty five year old coffee advert star I cant kill you. And plus we need a vampire good guy to fill Angels shoes.

Spike: well I'm bloody tired of saying bloody every time something bloody well goes wrong.

Buffy: look spike go and try to kill a close friend of mine thus setting up a new story arc.

Spike: ok.

I will continue if I get enough reviews please be kind J 


	2. death of a twat

Well here's my new chapter and this is dedicated Bffyfan as she/or he reminded me to make Riley suffer so here it is

Well here's my new chapter and this is dedicated Bffyfan as she/or he reminded me to make Riley suffer so here it is. Sorry about the grammar I use spell check and look over my work but I miss stuff. Hey I'm only human. 

After Spike walked off to kill a member of the Scooby gang Buffy was left on her own. 

Buffy: oh no. Why didn't I stop Spike when I had the chance, he might kill someone I hold dear I must stop him!

Buffy starts to run across the graveyard breaking into a sprint. We see her running down a road towards the magic shop.

Buffy: why don't I buy a car I mean surely it would make it all easier I seem to chase a bad guy half way across the small town that over five seasons has turned into a large city.

As Buffy approaches the shop her movements slow down until she's sprinting in the standard slow motion that Joss uses whenever character death is near.

She kicks the shop door in, and runs into the shop. Riley is their fighting Spike.

Buffy: Riley leave him alone he's mine. I've put up with Spike for to long its time I kill him.

Riley: no Buffy, even thou you couldn't beat him half way through season two I think I can as I'm highly trained and extremely arrogant.

Before Buffy could respond Riley gets the electric stunner he uses whenever he fights a vampire.

Riley: ha I have got you now.

Spikes chip miraculously stops working and he grabs the electric stunner and rams it up Rileys pig nose. He then grabs a conveniently placed rat and sticks it in Riley's mouth.

Riley ran around for ten minutes and then collapsed dead on the floor.

Buffy: oh no Spike how could you. That was a living being a creature of god.

Spike: nah he was a pompous, ugly, smelly, raised in Iowa piece of oversized corn. 

Buffy (disgusted): I didn't mean Riley I meant the rat.

Willow comes waltzing in with Tara by her side.

Willow: oh no that was Amy Spike used to kill Riley.

Tara: w-w-w-th-wh-whos Amy.

Buffy: gods dam you! Why cant you just stop the over exaggerated stammering.

Tara: s-s-s-sorr-sorry.

Willow goes over to Riley and pulls the rat out of Rileys mouth. 

Willow: even thou I could fight a god, levitate books and drinks dispensers and even magic up a Troll from thin air as well as reverse many a more complicated spell I couldn't turn you back.

Buffy: don't blame yourself it wasn't your fault.

Spike: well now ive killed someone I think its time I go, if I stay any longer I might want to kiss my sworn enemy.

Spike leaves the magic shop leaving Tara, Buffy and Willow looking at Riley's body.

Is this one as good as the first I'm not sure please review for me!


	3. orgasms and more orgasms

Points to note: well Rilley is dead, but Tara isn't I think im gona make her suffer as I particually hate her

Points to note: well Riley is dead, but Tara isn't I think I'm going to make her suffer, as I particularly hate her.

We are back in the magic shop with Buffy, Willow, Tara and the dead Riley.

Buffy: oh no how stupid I was letting spike get away with another crime!

Willow: Buffy how could you, as I'm your best friend it's my duty to do the complete opposite than you.

Tara: I-I-I-I-I-I think we should go after spike.

Buffy (angrily): excuse me where's the WE in it, all you do is moan how you want to be part of the gang and when we give you a responsibility you stuff it up!

Willow: please stop it this isn't a Marti Noxon written episode so their cant be any arguments.

Anya enters the magic shop.

Buffy (shocked): oh my god! Weres Xander, has something happened to him I mean he's never at work and he's not with you so were is he. Is he ok! 

Anya: orgasms.

Buffy: what!  


Anya: orgasms.

Willow: what's up with you Anya?

Anya: orgasms.

Buffy walks over to Anya and head-butts her.

Buffy: listen I know this is a fanfic but do you have to say orgasms over and over again.

Anya: orgasms.

Buffy has had enough. She grabs hold of a vase and smashes it over Anya's head. 

Buffy: where is Xander and what's up with your voice box.

Anya: ok I have fulfilled my orgasm quota, Xander is in bed after a great blowjob and spanking session. And as this is a fanfic I have to say orgasams or orgasm friend over and over.

Tara: D-D-D-D-Do you mind I find this subject very embarrassing.

Anya: if I want to talk about orgasams, sex, orgasm friends, blow jobs and spanking I will I do not need a stupid stick insect like you stuttering in my way and covering me in your saliva!

As soon as Anya had finished Taras face went a bright red. 

Willow: oh no Tara are you ok.

Willow starts to rub one of Tara's cheeks, but one of her long nails cuts Tara.

Tara: O-O-O-O-O-O-Ow that hurt me. 

Before willow could respond Tara's head exploded from the sudden release of pressure. 

Willow: oh no Tara baby are you ok!

Anya: well duh! She's dead!

Willow: oh no! Now Taras dead all I am is the slightly less annoying witch in a show that has more to do with magic than vampires even thou the show is called Buffy The Vampire Slayer. 

Anya: oh well I need an orgasm. Time to go.

Yes I no the ending is lame but I would of continued all day. Next up is Giles and Dawn. Please R&R. 


End file.
